Surely one more moment couldn’t break my heart

If you’ve been one of the strangers of the Internet following the intimate details of my life, you’d know that I haven’t been feeling particularly fierce. For a fitbetch that’s a loss of identity. People tend to assume that if you’re physically strong you’re strong in all aspects. Much of my life I always appeared to have everything together, I’m a bit of a control freak In that sense. I was a honours student all through high school and university, and was accepted into a competitive post graduate program. Ive had my life planned out since I was 12. Once thing I have always struggled with is relationships. That’s the nature of emotions, the stronger the feeling the less control you tend to have. Over the last few years I’ve chosen to keep a safe distance, or date people who don’t tend not to threaten me sense of control. Whenever there is any sense of vagueness arbitrary nature I always feel the need to question, question, question, nag and peruse, until I have a definite answer. I personally would rather know where I stand than waste my time. The problem being that while I have trouble letting people in, when you’re in that’s it, I’ll give you my all. I’m the nicest asshole you’ll ever meet. My independent female exterior, drenched with sarcasm, dry wit and indifference is my wall. I can’t tell you the number of dates I’ve cancelled last minute. The fear of judgement and rejection is scary. Whenever I’ve shared this in the past people think I’m absolutely ridiculous. ” no one who get up on a stage for the sole purpose of being judged can be so timid”. But the simple fact of the matter is when you’re good at something and you put in the work, there is a sense of control. Feelings on the other hand are volatile and messy. So when ending a relationship, not by choice, what’s a girl to do? We tend to always look back with rose coloured glasses during these times. You remember the good, not the bad. But who really wants to be with someone who doesn’t want them in the first place? I don’t want to bath in love, I want to drown it it. I’ve given this advice to friends so many times. There are too many mediocrities in life, love should never be one. Don’t settle for anyone unless their make you a better person. After all, we are a reflection of who we choose to share ourselves with. If that person doesn’t see your value, it’s not your Job to prove it, or you’ll eventually come to doubt yourself. Your heart, both physically and metaphorically, is a muscle too ladies. So flex your heart, wear lipstick, do squats, and you’ll yet through this. Love yourself, let it go, and someday someone will look at you like you’re the best thing in he world, cause you’ll already know your are.

Your fitbetch,
JP xo

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